[Two Pronged] Grandma wants to gift her grandkids a dog against her daughter’s wishes

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My husband and I finally got a visa to visit my daughter and her family in the US once more. Our last visit was 5 years go. Our grandchildren are a boy aged 15 and a girl aged 11. Every year we send them Christmas and birthday gifts, but they do not seem to appreciate them that much as they also get so many presents from other people.

But when we are there during the summer, we can get them a present they will love and also never forget came from us: a dog. No, a puppy that they will grow up as they grow up.

They have been asking their mother, my daughter, for a dog since the time they could talk. She has always said no because they are hard to take care of and she has enough work with her part-time job, domestic chores, and mothering.

Wala akong masabi, (I have nothing but praise for her); she is a very good mother! But their children will benefit so much having a dog!

I heard teenagers in America are very hard to control, start to care more for their friends than their families, and often get into drugs, etc. A dog will help my grandson stay connected to his family; stay on the straight and narrow.

I will try to convince my daughter to let us buy them a dog, but if that doesn’t work, can we just get them one as a surprise present? My husband says no, but I don’t see why not?

– Devoted Lola

Dear Devoted Lola (DL),

The relationship between grandparents, their children and their grandchildren can be fraught with problems and setting boundaries can be a major issue.

The Gottman Institute, established by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, has studied family relationships
for decades and has useful guidance on this subject..

In summary, they suggest that grandparents avoid:

• Giving unsolicited parenting advice;
• Coming over to the house unannounced;
• Giving grandchildren foods the parents do not want them to eat;
• Giving grandchildren too many gifts;
• Not following grandchildren’s schedule or routine.

DL, how does your proposed gift look when measured against these strictures? You say that the gift of a pet will help your grandson stay connected to his family and on the straight and narrow. However, there is no hint that he is in any need of this sort of intervention and if he indeed is not, you run the risk of doing him, and by extension his parents, a serious disservice by suggesting otherwise.

It also seems that you are willfully determined to ignore one of your daughter’s clearly stated house rules: no dog, an interference that will surely go down very badly, particularly since a dog is extremely high maintenance and the likelihood that the grandchildren will shoulder this burden for any length of time is very low.

Even presuming that your grandchildren exceed all expectations and becomes the dog’s full time carers when at home, what happens when they are in school and later in college?

You may have the purest of motives but although this gift will ingratiate you with your grandchildren, it will go down like a lead balloon with their parents who will be saddled with a millstone for years to come that they specifically told you they wanted to avoid. It is time to consider alternative gifts that do not add to your daughter’s existing burden.

Best wishes,
JAF Baer

Dear Devoted Lola (DL),

Thank you very much for your letter.

The manifest content of your letter is “Would it still be ok to get my grandkids a dog even if my daughter doesn’t want it?”

Mr. Baer has answered that clearly and concisely.

The latent content of your letter seems to be the following:

1. Our grandkids live so far away from us. What can we do so they don’t forget us?
2. As our grandkids reach adolescence, a stage where they care even less about their parents and more about their peers, what chance do we have to be remembered when we are even more removed than their parents?”

I first came across the distinction between manifest and latent content in Freud’s psychoanalytic theory.

According to Dr Sigmund Freud, a dream has two layers: the manifest content and the latent content. The first is the actual and literal narrative of the dream — the who, where, what of the story. The second, the latent content is the hidden, symbolic, sometimes heavily repressed unconscious desires and
fears of the person dreaming. This is the reason dream analysis is one of the major methods used in traditional psychoanalytic therapy.

As in dream therapy, so too several letters to Two Pronged. With your permission, I shall attempt to answer the questions I feel are really behind the letter you wrote.

Alas, your fears are realistic and perfectly valid. Your first question is more of a logistical one, which I feel can best be answered searching AI for starters, then the articles they suggest about how to keep in touch with the grandchildren. The ones focusing on the pandemic are particularly helpful, because they focus on ordinary grandparents who, through no fault of their own, find themselves separated from their grandkids, and yet can navigate a way to still be a part of their lives, no matter the distance between them. This is one of those times technology has really come to our rescue.

The second manifest question is much more complicated, and thus cannot be answered within the remit of what you asked us today. We would be very happy, however, if you sent us another letter, writing more specifically about other concerns you have regarding your grandchildren.

You are right. Adolescence is the time teens typically separate from their parents (and also to their grandparents) to form stronger bonds with their peers. As much as this hurts, this “separation” is to be encouraged because it is part of the developmental challenges every adolescent meets and navigating this successfully means they are on their way to adulthood.

Usually, way before then, your grandchildren will overcome the temptation to separate (individuate) from their parents and from you and form new bonds with you, as adults with the same capacity to deal with reality’s nuances, although they may not have as much practice.

Wising you the best of luck both now and on to more challenging times ahead.

– MG Holmes